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December 09, 2008


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Yes, you thought about it. Anyone in your situation would have thought about it. The doctor's thought you were in danger and your pregnancy was difficult. But the fact is, you never really intended to do it -- no matter what you may have thought -- deep down you knew it wasn't the way to go for you. Go back and read those posts -- I was reading then. It was never even an option. It was a thought. But not an option.

As far as your friend goes -- unless you've been there, you just don't get it (same could be said for my comment - so if I am off base just delete it and forget I said anything). I am sure your friend thought that she was showing how much she values the fact that you didn't reduce -- even though it didn't come across like that.


Very, very well said. This post hits home for me as I recently had someone say the exact same thing and it hurt in ways I couldn't describe. You did such a wonderful job of putting in to words what I didn't know how to say. We were told at 10 wks that my identicals were monoamniotic and "for the sake of all involved" we needed to reduce to 1 baby asap. Turns out the next week we found out we were misdiagnosed and the doctors never so much as apologized for putting us through a week of agony, tough choices and worry over what to do. Not a day goes by that I don't think about "what could have been", but unless someone has actually lived that pain and faced such a tough decision, in my opinion they should never talk about how it affects them. Sheesh...I'm not usually this opinionated or straight-forward on comments, but I guess I just want you to know that I agree with what you said! :)




Selfish, table for one! I am so sorry. People are just ridiculous most of the time.


Just incredible how it will always be taken back to her and how she feels! I vividly remember your previous post in the same type of situation.

Rachel Inbar

I don't think this person meant to be insensitive. I agree that the last line was inappropriate, but I think that even someone else's experience is something you play through your head and what she probably meant is just that she's so glad things worked out the way they did.

I'm sorry she made you feel defensive about having considered medical advice you were given. My guess is (not knowing the person, of course) that she was actually trying to praise you for having made a decision that was best for you.


I'm sorry this person hurt you so badly, it's dreadfully insensitive of them. They should have recognized how deeply your own feelings run on this subject. I do agree with Rachel though - it sounds as though maybe they didn't intend to purge their feelings at the expense of your own. You will always feel this pain most intensely, but can't they experience their own brand of pain too? One person's emotion doesn't have to negate the other. Though I can't say, because I don't know who the person is and what is their relationship to you the babies. Anyone, whoever they are, should definitely have been more sensitive in bringing such a thing up, knowing how painful it must also be for you. I'm sorry if this sounds unconsidered or naive - I don't mean to offend! Hugs to you.


I think until you personally walk the same walk as someone else that you truly don't understand the feelings and emotions that accompany that walk even years later. Perhaps this would be a good time to open a two way conversation? Time for education perhaps?

Reduction is such a HUGE hot topic button. So again...unless you have been there I don't think one fully comprehends what that decision fully means one way or the other--I certainly don't as I haven't been there...but can only imagine...and I think that may be what your friend was saying???


That is insensitive, but I have to wonder if Rachel is right and she was trying (albeit really badly) to praise you for making the choice that you made. Though I'm not sure exactly what made her feel like it was her option to pass judgement on it, even IF she believed that she was giving you support.


Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I have been there and occasionally (rarely) do look at my little boy who wouldn't be here if we had pursued a reduction and feel something that I can only describe as guilt. And this isn't being critical of anyone who has made that heart-breaking decision.


:( i'm so sorry. it's amazing how often people just don't think before they open their mouths. although, i'm sure i've been guilty of it before, too.

Ms. C

Ugh, sorry you had to listen to that.
Some people...

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