Some commenters say that my fertility envy will fade with time. Other commenters say it will never go away. Some say when I get to my ideal family size I'll feel better. Funny, I always wanted four children, which I'll have after this, but I never considered that it would be only one pregnancy. I suspect that it varies from person to person... there's no right answer here. And I definitely don't begrudge most people their pregnancies. Not even fertile myrtles. Not even, heaven help me, Michelle Duggar. But I grieve my inability to just BE pregnant. I grieve the freedom to say, as the Duggars say, that I'll have chilren until God tells me not to. I don't want 17 children per se. I want the freedom to make that choice. And I grieve the loss of that choice.
One anonymous commenter wrote:
It will fade, you will feel better over time.
For me pregnancy was almost the time to rehash and process all my infertility feelings. And of course, you're not a mother yet. Sure you wanted pregnancy, but what you REALLY wnated is the small head in the hollow of your neck, a baby nuzzling at your breast, a toddler shouting MUMMY and running over to hug you.
Those are the things that will heal you, not a terbutaline pump in the leg and bedrest.
The thing that struck me the most was : And of course, you're not a mother yet.
Oh but I am. If you're newish to my blog you may have missed it, but I have a beautiful almost-four year old foster son. He's not really a foster son, exactly, because he was a private placement, but I'm his legal guardian. I may not be his biological mother, but I've been his mother for almost 3 years. He knows no other mother. I could not love him one teeney bit more if I had given birth to him. I have no doubt that I could adopt a dozen children and love them just as much. I also know that I still would have grieved the loss of this pregnancy experience had I never gotten this far. Even though it makes no difference in how much I love my beautiful boy. J will probably be with us forever. He is my son in every sense except the legal sense. He knows no parents but us. There is no greater joy in this world than being a parent, and still, the pain of infertility is as raw as it ever was.
It's rare that it is someone else's pregnancy that brings out the pain for me. It's usually something far more personal, something intrinsic in myself. This time it happened to be someone else's pregnancy. Someone who got pregnant within six weeks of getting married. She certainly didn't do it to upset me. And it's certainly not her fault that it did. And most people in the community don't even realize that I COULD be feeling left behind in the child-bearing department. After all, we've been parents for three years. And now we're having triplets. So how could we possibly feel remotely out of place amongst those having their their third, fourth, fifth...?
It's true though... it's these babies that will ultimately heal me, not the terbutaline pump and the bed rest. The terbutaline pump and the bedrest do nothing but remind me that this is NOT a normal pregnancy and that I'm STILL set apart from most pregnant women. But I'll love these babies. Of that there is little doubt.
these have been two very beautiful posts. i have no experience in this, and so i don't have the right words to say. i do know my own personality and imagine that i would feel very similar if it were me. but how can i say for sure? and i don't want to sound like i'm judging you (i'm not!) or trying to comfort you when i just don't know what it's like. i think your feelings are completely normal and just something that you will feel. i hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly (as possible) and your family and your babies are united happily!
Posted by: illahee | August 03, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Like the first poster, I really have no experience in this (the being pregnant or a parent part) and have a hard time knowing what to say. What I do know is that experience changes us. We can't undo what we've gone through. Personally, I'm just trying to accept what is now and who I am now. I think the grief you're feeling is so common and many of us can relate. We long for simplicity.
Posted by: dmarie | August 04, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Anytime you deal with a disappointment when things don't go as planned, you have to process the grief and disappointment associated with it. This pregnancy is a constant reminder of all you have had to go through, fertility treatment, miscarriage etc. You are a mom, not just to J, but the three in your belly and to the little one that was lost before. I wonder if the pain will ever really go away. I think that with all types of loss/grieving, it just gets easier to live with.
Posted by: My Reality | August 04, 2007 at 12:00 AM
You are already a mother of these babies as well! Everything you've gone through for them and carrying them makes you a mother in my book!
Posted by: Malky B. | August 05, 2007 at 12:00 AM