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« 26 Weeks - How it's Going | Main | Followup to " Envy " »

August 02, 2007


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In and Out of Luck

Don't hate yourself. I have a friend from high school who by accidental bad timing sent me an e-mail years ago - this is when I was ttc #1 and going to the RE and having a particularly despondent day - saying "Hi! Guess what! I'm pregnant again, that's right, we're expecting #2! :)"I'm ashamed to say that I resent her To This Day.


Try not to beat yourself up about the envy - you are not alone.


I have a beautiful 11 month old son, who is a result of IVF. I am resentful of being infertile and envious of all the fertiles everyday! We want to have another baby and instead of just deciding "when" we have to decide how (IVF here in this country, another country where it is more affordable or donor eggs, which would give us a better chance) we have to decide how to pay for it rather than just lighting a candle or two :-) A pregnacy and a baby don't make those feelings go away.


Why shouldn't you be upset? The experience does not equal the final result.


Don't hate yourself! My best friend from high school (who just got married last month), told me yesterday that they are trying this month. Already! And "wouldn't it be fun if we were pregnant together?!". I'm already dreading the call/e-mail telling me that she got it on the first try. Which is absolutey awful, because with my daughter, I did! But this experience with infertility has completely tainted how I see fertile women.


chris is right, you're not alone.It's not like you got the pregnancy you worked so hard to achieve, either, or that you're looking forward to the blissful Mommy days you always wanted. You're in the trenches of a high-risk pregnancy, and you're going to be mothering infant triplets.Envy is Totally Normal.

Changing Expectations

You are not alone. I feel the same way so many times. IF envy. It is always there.My biggest fear, that my SIL will announce (or my sister for that matter) that they are pregnant. I don't think that I could take it. Seriously, I don't think that I would be able to be happy about it. How awful is that.My Mom keeps announcing to me about each of my cousin's that are pregnant (I am the oldest cousin by the way), like I need to hear it. It is a contest for her. I guess she is losing since she doesn't have any grandchildren. I swear that she thinks this way, it is twisted.Anyway, you have every right to feel the way you do. Hang in there. I am thinking about you. How are you doing?


I'm sorry to say that it doesn't EVER go away. I now have 5 children (including triplet girls) who are all the result of IUI's and I am still a bit envious when someone says they're pregnant. And I am STILL frustrated that I can't decide to have another baby if I wanted one and my oldest is 7!! Don't beat yourself up. It is entirely normal. And I only got one the first time around. Now I'm pretty happy that I finally got triplets :)


You are not alone in these feelings. I feel the same way. Things have been slightly better since I have been pregnant but I still feel so resentful of anyone who did not have to go through hell to get pregnant. I guess this is normal!


It doesn't go away. I wish I could say it did, that maybe someday it would. My aunt had a son that she gave up for adoption and then suffered secondary infertility because of endometriosis so severe that it required a hysterectomy. She's in her 50's and told me that it never goes away. It dulls, it's not as constant, but it's always hiding there, ready to come out at your lowest times.It's not at all your fault. Most of infertility's scars are invisible to anyone but those of us who've been there. You're definitely not alone in feeling that way, and being pregnant with triplets doesn't make it wrong to feel that way. I can understand why an Orthodox community would be a difficult place to deal with infertility.


I too can relate to your envy--I don't think it ever goes away, even if pregnancy is eventually achieved. I also live in a community chock-full of pregnant women and tons and tons of young kids--an urban yuppie mecca of sorts--and it can be, and usually is, completely maddening and envy-provoking.hugs to you,Adrienne

Lea Bee

i totally hear ya (((hugs)))


I just wanted to say, thank you for being so honest and candid about the way you feel. I feel so evil sometimes with my thoughts and feelings. The worst is, as another responder mentioned, hoping you conceive because you are trying to beat a family member to it. I have a sister-in-law who is "perfect" and is 23 (I am 30) and I pray daily I can conceive and carry to term before her. I just couldn't bear it the other way around. Thanks again! You don't know how much you impact me daily. I appreciate it.

My Reality

Don't hate yourself. It upsets me sometimes when people get pregnant so easily. I just don't understand how it can be so hard from us and so easy for others. You are not alone in your feelings.


I thought that *I* cornered the market on "hallow and empty and mean" in response to other people's pregnancy announcements. Nice to know I'm in such good company.You are normal. Normal, normal, normal. Okay, wait. I sort of know you now since we've met and all. You are most decidedly not normal (in a good way). :-) But at least your feelings are normal.

Rachel Inbar

From my experience, this feeling actually does go away - but it takes until you have the number of children that completes your family (and at this point, it is probably difficult for you to know what number that is). I think one of the things that annoyed me most was that when my twins were born everyone decided for me that I was done. I wasn't and I was just as infertile as before...At least there's hope for an envy-free future :-)

ms. c

Good post, but oy!!After all you (and the rest of us) have been through to get where we are, I can't imagine the envy ever going away. You're not alone around here.But I know, out there in the vast world, it would seem that having these feelings would make one a terrible person. You have shown time and time again how wonderful, caring and compassionate you are. Let's focus on that for a moment...

hi my name is mommy

I totally understand your feelings. Big hug for ya!

In Search of Morning Sickness

Like everyone else has said... this sounds expected. I definitely understand it. I resent that in every single conversation I have, my friends have the ability to just PLAN and ASSUME on when and how and where they'll get pregnant... who they'll be pregnant with, how lond their future kids will be in relation to so-and-so's future kids. I HATE that they CAN talk like that. I don't have that luxury. IVF is staring me in the face in Sept and I can't even THINK let alone talk about "a June baby". It sucks. I never see it going away for me, either. I feel like it's assuming on the future and something in me wants to believe the women who talk that way are immature. I guess really it's me. I still want to be different, but not so angry.


IF cuts so deeply, I fear the scar never truly heals.lucky#2


Being an orthodox Jew myself, I felt myself nodding along to this entire post. Although I am pregnant now (after IVF), I still roll my eyes and feel a stab of pain when I hear about friends getting pregnant a month after their wedding. I have friends that are pregnant with their fourth child (did I mention that I'm only 27?). There was a story in the news today about a woman who had her 17th child. My husband emailed it to me and wrote that he feels bad that even if we wanted to (um, 17 is a little much), we just don't have that option. No matter how many children we are lucky enough to have- that's something that I will always mourn- the fact that we can't get pregnant just because we want to.


It will fade, you will feel better over time.For me pregnancy was almost the time to rehash and process all my infertility feelings. And of course, you're not a mother yet. Sure you wanted pregnancy, but what you REALLY wnated is the small head in the hollow of your neck, a baby nuzzling at your breast, a toddler shouting MUMMY and running over to hug you.Those are the things that will heal you, not a terbutaline pump in the leg and bedrest.Oh, and even now I'm pg w/#2 I still want to spit at people with the bad grace to tell me they conceived the first month they tried. But only really them.


OOh, I had to add, yep, another poster pointed it out - I probably feel better now because I'm expecting the child that will nearly complete the family size I used to envision for myself.But I still maintain that being a mother helps a TON to heal you.


Well said.Give yourself permission to grieve.


Oh Karen, I definitely understand. When I found out about our friend who started trying a year after us and is gonna be the first of our group having a child, I just thought how unfair. It's right to want to be doted on, I understand. For all the hard work you put in, it isn't like you want to diminish others, but you want some kudos...

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